hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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