I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize