I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
