Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
