The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
