If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
