Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
