So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
