so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
