my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
