Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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