So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Are my feet made of real feet?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
