"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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