I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I deserve this hangover.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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