you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
