did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
