I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I cannot find my penis.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
