I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
