I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize