I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
