...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
