I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
