I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize