I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
