3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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