A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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