When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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