giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
