Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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