drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
