The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
