i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
