I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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