Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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