so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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