Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
