i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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