oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This house was built for laser tag.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
