My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
