I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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