i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
