I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
