Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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