i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
