She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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