That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think my fart just growled at me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Randomize