Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
