I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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