If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this hospital has no fireball
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
