my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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