If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize