quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
