he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize