The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
