she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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