Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
