I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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