when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
