I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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