You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize