Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
