dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
