i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
