you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
