hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
