it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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