Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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