bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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